Is Your Pokémon Bae or Trollish?
Over the past centuries, Pokémon breeders have focused on a variety of strategies when breeding and raising Pokémon. But in 2015, only one factor remains universally important for all Trainers. Is my Pokémon bae or just another troll? It’s okay to be confused. This is not an easy task to undertake. Luckily, we’re experts in this field, and we’ve decided to piece together a list of 10 Pokémon, 5 of which are very bae…and 5 of which should never be in your possession. That is, unless you WANT to be a troll. But be careful what you wish for!
Blissey – Bae
Blissey is the most obviously bae Pokémon in existence. It lives to make others happy and will always nurse you back to physical and emotional health if you’re ever feeling down. It uses its fur to sense sadness and has no issues sharing a Lucky Egg with you. The best part? The egg is chemically guaranteed to make you smile. Sorry vegans, but you WILL smile eating this egg. Your morals mean nothing once Blissey shares its egg with you. And can you really deny a Chansey or a Blissey? I wouldn’t recommend it.
Stunfisk – Troll
Yes, Stunfisk is not the most attractive looking Pokémon, but that has nothing to do with why it’s a huge troll. No, it’s not because it doesn’t mind if people walk all over it too, as trollish as that may be. It’s how it feels when it electrocutes you that really gives it that massively trollish edge. See, when it electrocutes you, it smiles. It takes great pleasure in causing you pain, and combined with waiting until you step all over its face, it is by far one of the most trollish Pokémon to live. Just watch it laugh at you for a few seconds and it won’t take long for you to agree.
Glameow – Troll
Glameow is extremely ungrateful. It’s likely that its cuteness got to its head over the centuries, leading to its enlarged cranium. But what really makes it a huge troll is that it has the audacity to takes its claws, hook them into your nose, and demand to be fed. Excuse me? Get out. I’d never own a Pokémon that claws objects and even people just because it’s a little hungry. If that sits well with you, go get yourself a Glameow. I’m not down with the moody behavior, and I myself prefer a cat-like Pokémon with a little more maturity.
Delcatty – Bae
Now Delcatty is a cat-like Pokémon that truly exemplifies what it means to be bae. Let’s take a moment and check out its Pokédex description from Alpha Sapphire:
If other Pokémon approach it as it sleeps, this Pokémon will never fight—it will just move away somewhere else.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. It’s too good to fight you. It prefers to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, and loves to stay clean while doing so. Is that not extremely bae? When bae wants to eat, bae eats. If bae wants to sleep, bae will find a place to sleep. Above all else, bae stays clean and looking…well, bae! Both Glameow and Delcatty think highly of themselves, but Delcatty has a much more bae way of carrying itself. It will never resort to petty tantrums to get its way, and it has no problem keeping its bae-like qualities, even when it wins a fight. That’s what makes it one of the most bae Pokémon out there.
Meloetta – Bae
Meloetta is the musical bae of the Pokémon world. Its body is designed to maximize its bae qualities, allowing its treble clef headpiece to act as a singer’s microphone so it can spread cheer and joy to everyone around. Is it easy to get Meloetta to sing for you? No, of course not! Meloetta has standards, and you have to earn its trust in order for it to feel comfortable enough to truly sing for you. But when bae does sing for you, you’ll know, and your heart will melt instantly. With a cute voice and and a cuter design, Meloetta has no trouble dancing her way into the Top 5 Most Bae Pokémon Ever.
Mismagius – Troll
In the Pokémon anime, there’s an entire episode dedicated to illustrating how trollish Mismagius can be. Malice in Wonderland! is an episode from the Diamond & Pearl series where Ash and his friends fall asleep, entering an illusionary dream world created by Mismagius after falling for its Hypnosis. What Mismagius does next is too cruel to simply be considered mean. It’s complete trollishness in action!
Mismagius doesn’t just try to prank Ash and his friends. Mismagius dives into their hearts, learns their deepest desires, and proceeds to create a world where that desire is fulfilled. Did Ash really think Pikachu would defeat Rayquaza and win the Pokémon league with a Thunderbolt? He’s always been naive, but that was a little too dumb. If it wasn’t for Brock knowing that a horde of Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy was too good to be true, who knows how long they would’ve stayed in the dream? Once Brock reveals the world is fake and nothing is real, Mismagius makes all the badges and trophies disappear, laughing in the face of Dawn as she realizes the announcer who awarded her the championship ribbon in their dream is really Mismagius in disguise. It then resurrects Rayquaza from the ground, merging with it and causing mayhem.
After Ash and his friends magically defeat it with ease (we know how Pokémon anime logic works; the good guys always find a way to win), Mismagius doesn’t leave it at that. It showers Ash and Dawn with badges and ribbons, leaving Brock with another horde of women. Troll status: over 9,000. But all Pokémon episodes must end predictably, and Ash decides to move along with his journey. Yet, we’ll never forget Mismagius’s trollishness. Haunter has nothing on this Pokémon’s shenanigans.
Malamar – Troll
Malamar looks like the rejected concept design for one of Batman’s nemeses. Seriously—I’ve never seen such a comical character filled with predictably villanous behavior. I’m thoroughly convinced Malamar is loosely related to Mr. Cobblepot.
Malamar uses its hypnotic powers to force people and enslave them to fulfill its darkest desires. And what are those desires? As told in A Conspiracy to Conquer!, the 19th episode of the XY series, it boasted a grand scheme to conquer the world after hypnotizing an Officer Jenny into posing as a woman named Madame X, who it had pretend to be the real villain. But did Malamar stop there? Nope. It made its trollish return in Facing the Grand Design!, the 54th episode of the XY series, with two evil friends.
So what makes Malamar so trollish, especially when good, innocent Malamar exist? What truly puts Malamar in the Top 5 Most Trollish Pokémon Ever is that it decided to be evil without the influence of a humanly evil organization like Team Rocket. Indeed, Team Rocket themselves partnered with Ash and his friends to take down this Malamar. Malamar is a type of Pokémon with the power to hypnotize the human race, and its ability to decide whether it wants to be gentle in nature or screw with everyone makes it a very trollish species. Also, I can’t help but factor its head of tentacles and ridiculously looking beak into the equation.
Milotic – Bae
Milotic is known as the most beautiful of all Pokémon, but we all know that beauty doesn’t always define the baeness of a Pokémon (though it does matter!). What makes Milotic so bae? When people fight, they get tunnel vision. They get so consumed by their anger that they don’t want to respond to logic. I’m sure we’ve all seen this thought process in action. Yet, once Milotic sees a fight happening, all it has to do is release a wave of energy that instantly calms angry feelings. You’ll forget why you were angry and end the argument in an instant. That is what gives Milotic its intense baeness, because we all know when bae walks in everyone shuts up and appreciates bae. The only thing that could possibly make Milotic more bae? A mega evolution. We’ve been waiting patiently, Game Freak. Make it happen.
Whimsicott – Troll
BoredBug, you’ve got it all wrong! I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking right now. How could a Pokémon as cute as Whimsicott be a troll? Let me start off by reminding you that this is an opinionated piece and as such I am entitled to my opinion. Let me then continue by telling you that anyone who goes out of their way to rearrange my furniture after some dutiful spring cleaning is a complete troll. And guess what your precious Whimsicott does? Screws with people’s furniture.
Oh, and I’ve tried to keep Whimsicott out of my house. But you see, Whimsicott has the uncanny ability to slip between cracks like wind and go in and out my house as it pleases. It disgustingly contorts its body and goes out of its way to mess up my clean house for its silly pranks. Unless you’ve designed your house like Fort Knox, its likely Whimsicott gives no f**** about requesting permission to enter.
It doesn’t stop there, either. My grandmother is allergic to cotton, and guess what Whimsicott likes to do? That’s right. It leaves these peculiar little cotton balls wherever it pleases, causing my poor grandmother to sneeze all over the place and feel ill. I don’t appreciate Whimiscott’s whimsical horseplay, even if it’s to be expected. Any Pokémon that defies physics for silly games can bite me. I now have to keep a Growlithe at home to keep the Whimsicott at bay. Whimsicott is a clever troll and has earned its right to be in this list.
Slowbro – Bae
BoredBug, you sure YOU aren’t the troll? Let me just break down Slowbro’s baeness before you get on me for this last entry. Is Slowbro sorta dumb? Yes. Is Slowbro an attractive Pokémon? Not really. What makes Slowbro bae then, you ask? Let’s look at how it evolved so I can explain what makes Slowbro so bae.
When a Shellder chomps down on a Slowpoke, Slowpoke then evolves into Slowbro. But did you know that the Shellder can be knocked off and allow Slowbro to go back to being a Slowpoke? I bet you didn’t. But Slowbro doesn’t mind being with the Shellder. Like a true bae, it cares for its Shellder. As a Slowpoke, Slowbro could use its tail to fish for food. With Shellder occupying it, it now has to swim for its food. But does that stop Slowbro from keeping Shellder around? Nope! It instead swims for food, even offering the scraps to the selfish Shellder (or should I say…shellfish? PokéPuns 10/10).
Slowbro can no longer feel pain after evolving. That is both a blessing and a curse, but now Slowbro won’t know when it’s sick or ill. Does it tell Shellder to go for a hike? Nah, Slowbro just lives with it. In fact, it becomes inspired when Shellder bites down on it. Slowbro has incredibly psychic powers but prefers not to fight. It just takes care of those close to it. When bae puts up with your selfishness and bae keeps their composure, you know you have a bae with true baeness. If all of this patience, selflessness, and pacificism doesn’t make Slowbro bae then I don’t know what does.
That is, of course, my mere opinion. I hope you liked this article!
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