If you’re female and it’s almost summertime, you know what’s in store for you. Constant and harsh scrutiny of every inch of your body as you bare more of it by wearing shorts, tank tops, swim suits and rompers. So, in order to prepare, you’ll put yourself through a rigorous routine of scrubbing, dieting, and yoga-ing your heart out to look your very best. Here’s what women really go through as summer nears.
1. Pull out the exfoliators
Nobody likes unsightly body hair– especially on women. So, you’ll exfoliate and shave or wax every inch of your bod, so it’s smooth and soft. It’s a huge pain and a ridiculous time consumer…but you’d rather do that than be caught with hair on your bikini line.
2. Lay down the yoga mat
And then start a rigorous yoga routine that will have you sweating all over the place. It’s the only way.
3. Whip out your blender
If you want to be thin and sexy…you better start juicing. Buy only fruits and vegetables, juice them in your juicer and drink away. Because that’s all you need in calories anyway.
4. Hop on the scale
It’s essential to know your number on the scale as summer approaches. Why? Well, don’t ask why– how about you just do it!
5. Shop on a fat day
If you buy a swimsuit on a fat day, you’re less likely to feel totally gross in it later on. If anything, you’ll feel like you look dang good.
6. Spring cleaning
Get rid of summer clothes that don’t fit, have holes, or are ratty and gross. Come on, you know you don’t want to be wearing that stuff around.
7. Lace up those sneakers
And get to gettin’. It’s time for a jog/run. The only way you’ll lose those spare pounds now is by running miles at a time at a frantic pace. Just ignore those side pains.
8. Fill your fridge
Fill it with lettuce. That’s it. Just lettuce.
9. Do your research
Type in “how to lose 10 lbs in one week,” in google and be sure to follow all the instructions in the first five articles that pop up.
10. Try those crazy wrap things
You know all those annoying people on social media that sell wraps that guarantee you’ll lose two dress sizes in all of forty-five minutes? Yeah, those! Yeah, spend ridiculous amounts of money on them and do it because you need that!
11. Start acting athletic
Do a few laps in the pool every time you’re there, like it’s something you’ve been doing all along. Don’t play volleyball? Well, you do now. You’ll join in a game every time you see one going.
12. Get your spray tan on
Yes, we understand that you are pale and weak. It would take months for you to attain the level of perfection in tanning that’s required in the summer time. So, we’ll have to go with option number two: spray tanning. Pay too much money for a tan that turns you orange and comes off in less than a week.
13. Mani/pedi time
While we’re at it, your nails will also be on display, so please get a suitable manicure and pedicure, so you don’t gross anyone out with your unsightly fingers and toes.
14. Work those shades
Find a pair of sunnies that work for you and then wear them all the time. Even indoors. And even at night.
15. Give up already
Realize that your body isn’t going to change overnight, all that pressure from ‘expectations’ to look good in the summer is total crap, your body looks fine the way it is. So, just disregard everything in this article, be confident, put on that bikini and go have a good time!